Florida’s Last Minute Entry into the Crazy State Competition


Florida, Florida, Florida…here I was, sitting around on a cold winter’s afternoon, peacefully minding my own business.  I might have been idly thinking that Ohio, Arizona and even Texas have been doing a great job of trying to steal away the Crazy State Crown you’ve been hogging for oh-so-many-years, but then you go and offer up the single most mind-boggling story I’ve heard in, well, hours.  Now, I’ve been to Florida quite a few times.  I’ve always viewed it as an overly warm state populated mostly by strippers, druggies and geriatrics. It seems I wasn’t all that far off.

Meet Monica and Jessica Sexxxton. Kind of an odd surname name, yes?  All those extra X’s in there, preceded by the S and the E. It almost makes me think of *swoon* sex.  Oddly, 56-year-old Jessica and her 22-year-old daughter Monica want me and you and a dog named Boo, when we hear that name, to think about about sex. Why? Because this mother-daughter duo, who have risen from the rubble of Miami’s sad little sister city, Tampa, are taking porn into what might just be previously uncharted territory.

Prior to this there has been ‘fake incest’ porn, the thought of which automatically makes my ick meter go to eleven (and if it doesn’t make your ick meter go to eleven – or higher – it’s time to get off my blog).  The Sexxxtons, though, seem to have broken their ick meter (or maybe it’s just been mis-placed), because they are, in their newly-found career, essentially tag-teaming porn-partners like a couple of WWE  starlets.  They’re not engaging in mum on daughter or daughter on mum, mind you, but yes, they are in the same room, the same bed, when getting it on with a third, fourth or however many other participants. In the interest of decorum (and apparently for legal reasons) the two never actually touch.

I’m all for mother-daughter bonding, believe me. Hell, I’m for any sort of family bonding that helps the holiday season go just that little bit more smoothly. The parental bond is a very important one, particularly when trying to raise an impressionable child who might easily be led astray, which sometimes happens even after said child reaches the age of majority.  But there’s a fine line between going astray and going so completely off the fucking rails that even the local drug dealer might pull himself up short and cut off your supply.

It was Jessica who originally got her mother into porn (‘Hey mom!  I figured out a great way of getting together the down payment on that double-wide you’ve been jonesing for!’), then decided to join in. The dynamic duo created a website (no link, perv, google it yourself) and have released their first DVD, Meet the Sexxxtons.  As I said, the two never touch and this can cause problems during filming, particularly when they’re doing the same dude or dudette. Yep, time to wrap your head around that one: Mom gets it on with random porn partner for a bit, Monica moves in for her taste of the action while Mom rests on her haunches, then Mom, then Monica, then Mom, then Monica, then…well, then my head explodes and I can’t even believe I live in this world. I suppose it’s admirable that they’ve set some sort of boundaries but yea, well, fuck no.  Call me old fashioned but when I think about boundaries it’s not often that I am faced with a boundary that includes not touching my naked mother while getting plowed by some random dude. On film. Which will soon be for sale.  

At least they don’t do animals. Or Monica’s brother.  Because he’s a virgin. And his first time should be ‘special’.  Or so they say.  There’s that, at least.

So yes, Florida, just when I think you can’t top the Zombie Apocalypse or father-son reunions gone very, very wrong, you come along with this holy clusterfuck, forcing me to dust off the gif that keeps on giving.

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